after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
