I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize