Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
