did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
