someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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