I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
