I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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