I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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