Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My vagina just recognized that song.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
