I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
