Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
