i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
time to smoke my breakfast
Everything about him screamed your future.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
