i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
