Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
