I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
