awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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