i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
