im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
