It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
