so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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