so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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