he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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