Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
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