The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
