i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
