i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
