I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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