Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
