My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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