Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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