Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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