just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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