I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please come you make the beer taste better
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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