can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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