I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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