Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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