My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
