sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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