I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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