watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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