I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
