Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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