What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
