She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
