Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
