What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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