Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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