It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize