My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
