i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
