Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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