one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
