Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
