Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
