So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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