I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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