i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
