Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
