Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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