I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
