I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
