So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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